Chapter 2 My Healing Journey

How I went from Denial to Needing to Find my Son

What determines the path we choose in life?  Is it a conscious or an unconscious choice?   Do we choose what we love to do? Or is it reaching for success or wealth?

What took me from being an elementary art teacher to becoming a Pastoral Counselor and Clinical Therapist? What took me step by step from being hesitant to finding my son to having an overwhelming desire to find him?

I had to heal from the trauma of dealing with a pregnancy during my last semester of high school, having to give my baby for adoption without being mentally, emotionally, or spiritually prepared to do so, and not being able to grieve this loss because I had no emotional support from my family.

The first step to healing was my taking a course in Visiting Hospital Patients, which was offered by a seminary. Every Monday night, for six weeks, I was fascinated to learn about grief and loss, and to have some time to visit an assigned patient. My first patient was a woman in an oxygen tent who spoke haltingly.  She had a lot to say, and I was a good listener.

After this visit, I felt filled with the most blissful feeling that filled my whole soul, like a fire burning, but there was no pain. This feeling was incredible and lasted a few hours, even when I returned home. This occurred three times during all of the visits I had with patients in that 6 weeks.  I had a genuine love of visiting patients in the hospital.

After it was over, I deeply missed  visiting with hospital patients and contacted my supervisor, asking to do more. He suggested that I take CPE, or Clinical Pastoral Education in this trauma hospital.

I wanted to do this, but I was not absolutely sure, because a requirement was 24 hour overnight on-call duty, which was a big responsibility, and I was susceptible to migraine headaches. So I prayed about it intensely, and once, when I was praying, my whole body felt full of joy, like air inflating a balloon. I thought that if I had any seams, they would surely burst!  From this I inferred that I should take CPE, and that God would be with me.

I did like CPE immensely.  During CPE, I chose to visit in the Burn Unit and in Pediatrics. In the Burn Unit, I saw people who were wrapped in bandages and sedated come alive and appear to get well quickly.

I used guided imagery with people in the Burn Unit. Basically the guided imagery consisted of relaxing the patient, then asking them to bring someone to them that they wanted to see.  After greeting each other, they would ask questions of each other, and give each other gifts. They would talk about anything else they wanted to as well.  They then said final words and good byes to each other.  After this, the patient discussed with me what they visualized, their feelings, and they would work through their issues. The whole visit took about an hour. The next time I visited them, I was surprised when they would say: “ Did you know the whole time you were with me the last time, I had no pain?”

In Pediatrics, I  loved visiting the children and would bring colored paper, oil pastels and puppets with me. The children felt much more comfortable to talk to me when they were coloring a picture or using puppets. They could express their feelings which was healing for them.

I would also rock the babies, and feed them bottles of milk when the staff suggested this. They had no idea that while I nurtured the babies, I also nurtured my own soul.

During my counseling internship, I and an adoption counselor facilitated a group of young mothers who had given their babies for adoption. This experience was painful for me and the young women, but it was also very healing for me.

I presented a talk to adoptive parents, who live with the fear that the biological mother will come to  claim their child.  I explained the trauma I went through and my present hesitancy to look for my son.  This gave them a different perspective, which was helpful to them.

My counseling Supervisor could not understand my reluctance to find my son. I needed more healing. I had never had counseling and I was in my forties. Counseling was a requirement in seminary, so I did get some counseling at that time, which was very helpful.

I continued to have blissful experiences with some patients in both hospitals in which I took CPE.  While my first CPE broke through my denial, making me realize I had a huge loss to grieve, my second CPE at another hospital brought me face to face with the reality that my son was not lost. He was alive, and I could find him.

My last week in this CPE program brought this home for me. While I visited a 39 year old man every day for a week, I grew to understand his childhood, in which he never felt that he was the same as other boys, his present day feelings of guilt over his unfaithfulness to his male partner, as well as his fear of his future with AIDS.  I read John 4 from The Bible to him  (about the Samaritan woman who Jesus met at the well), to help him understand that God knows all we have ever done, and yet God accepts us as we are and forgives us, offering us eternal life.

During this week, I felt love for this young man, and I thought, “If I can love this man, why can’t I love my own son?” And that is when a black hole opened in my being, and I had a strong need to find my son.

I had previously put a plan in place to find the adoption agency that used to be in Hackettstown NJ.  I had written letters to Court Houses in the surrounding area, and I received a letter suggesting I call the Children’s Home of Trenton. I made this call one afternoon in the midst of typing my thesis. The Social Worker told me that she would check if they had the file and call me back.

After a half hour, she called me back. She had the file. The hair stood up on my arms! I was so close to finding my son!  She agreed to find my son.  She would look for a death certificate for my son’s adoptive father and see who signed it and his address. In the meantime, she asked me to write a letter to my son with no identifying information and send it to her to keep on file for him.  I wrote the letter three times to be sure it was what I wanted to convey to my son, and then I sent it.

To be continued….